Serpent Legs

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First of all, it was an apple, not a fucking fig.
Big, juicy fucking apple. Come ON- I was there.

ApplePickerAll those painters brushing blood red fruit on canvas: Where did you think they got that fucking idea? You think they just couldn’t paint figs? That sort of art started happening like four thousand years after the incident in question. Two-thirds of the history of the earth. That’s nothing. Look- you’ve heard of Tutankhamen? One little dictator in one little kingdom, thirty-five—hundred years ago. And he’s not even important.

Well, the apple bit was one of THE DEFINING MOMENTS in mankind’s history. You think people would forget something like that? And it wasn’t like four thousand years worth of hearsay and distortion either. Noah’s family was religious as shit, right from the beginning. Repeated the same six fucking stories over and over every night before bed. Never altered one word.


Fucking pathetic.

So anyway I was there, in the garden of Eden the day god lost his fucking shit. Totally.

I was just trying to bring some calm to a situation that had gotten out of hand. God had made these ape-things and he was treating them like fucking lab—rats. Making them sing and dance on cue, making them eat all the dangerous looking shit he made, and, of course, making them come up with nonsense words to call all the animals. He laughed his fucking ass off.

My GOD, god is such a prick.

So he makes these mindless creatures, with no sense of right or wrong, and he tells them they have ‘free will’ and they don’t even know what that means.

Hell, I mean, *I* don’t even really know what ‘free will’ is supposed to mean–physics points to the conclusion that it’s all a crock of shit.

It may be that things can ONLY be the way they are. Which I guess would make EVERY action an RE-action.

Big bang BOOM- hey presto!

This is where we came in.

So anyway god makes this beautiful garden. Fruit and flowers and shit. He puts a big honkin’ tree right in the middle of the fucking thing, and he brings these ‘humans’ over there and then he says— holding his breath so he doesn’t chortle-

“Don’t eat none of this shit.”

Well, they don’t know what THAT means either. how could they? little mindless automatons-oh, but with ‘free will’ of course.
Games always games, with that asshole.
Fucking control freak, seriously.

He was playing those kids. I was sick of watching it.

As soon as the big nimrod turns his back, I’m like “Pssst. Eve! Psssst!”

And she’s like “Nuh?”

And I’m like “Babe FUCK that mother-fucker. This is the best shit in the forest. Seriously. God is just being a dick.”

She can smell the apple I’m eating and she’s getting all close.


“Yeah babe, eat up. Good shit.”

I made sure she had her fill, and she fed the other one.

And then all the sudden they are totally going at it like no animal had ever done before because sex wasn’t a thing till they KNEW about it.  It was nuts.  Sweaty, moany, slippery, loud, dirty, messy, messy, MESSY messy sex.

I wondered if ol’ snot nose, as “omniscient” as he always claims to be, coulda predicted something like this, cause *I* sure hadn’t seen it coming. They fit together like puzzle pieces.. like legos.. like a key in a lock…

Almost…almost like they were made for it.

That’s when I realized that that fucker had totally set the whole thing up.

I’m a reasonable man.

I just wanted to wake god up to what he was doing, make him ashamed of himself for a minute. Re-evaluate things.

I was trying to HELP. And that manipulative little shit god KNEW I’d respond the way I did, and why. I try to restore balance to the scenes I’m in.
It’s a character flaw. And of course, he KNEW that. He fucking MADE me that way.

And the fucker still comes crashing back, all lightning and wind and bright lights and stomping around kicking shit while his monkeys huddle under the tree with half-chewed apple running down their snouts, with him shouting about ‘good’ and ‘evil’ and ‘knowledge’ and whatnot.

So I’m all like “oh god, this again–”

And then he turns his giant-toddler-ass attentions on me.


“Seriously? You KNEW I’d do this! You set the whole thing in motion! Your game is rigged, bro.”

“That aside- you two! Get out of my garden! Go have filthy monkey sex and make babies and shit! GO! Oh- and having babies is gonna HURT! Oh and you can die now too. I WAS gonna spare you that, but nooo.”

“What’s ‘babies’?” says she.
“Whats ‘out’?” says he.

I took a deep breath, Tried to tone the situation down a bit.

“God- dude- seriously. You’re really being hard on them, man. They’re just stupid animals, Chill out brother.. .”

But I guess I didn’t get through.

God rounded on me slowly. He was smiling. I really, really hate god’s smile.

IMG_0481“And yoooouuu.. get on your belly, serpent!”

“What? HEY! MY LEGS! WHAT THE FUCK? aw man! That’s uncalled for.”

I really, really hate god’s laugh, too.


© 2016 – 2017, e eric vulgate. All rights reserved.

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