Problem: Why do I have a Double Bill?

 

Kimyada > My Issue: why do i have a double bill?

01100101> Hello Kimyada, Thank you for contacting BombastHiveNonhumanChatNetworkSupport. My name is <insert faceless drone identifier here: please stand by for random name generation>

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Problem: why do i have a double bill.?

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Kimyada > um…

01100101> A service personality is being created to meet your needs. Please stand by. Or visit our WEBSITE to purchase more fantastic Bombast goods and services!

Kimyada > why do i have a double bill.

Droneesha> Hello Kimyada, Thank you for contacting BombastHiveNonhumanChatNetworkSupport. You seem to have an *ethnic* name.  My name is Droneesha. Please give me a quick minute to review your information.

Kimyada > …

Droneesha> Hi, Kimyada! How are you doing today?

Kimyada > hello. ok

Droneesha> I’ll be more than glad to help you check why the bill is doubled!

Kimyada> um.. great.

Droneesha> No problem, sister! Let me go ahead and pull up the account real quick to better assist you. While waiting, Can I get your preferred email address?  Where do you normally keep your wallet? That way we can send you important service notifications like account change confirmations sandwiched between massive amounts of targeted advertising.

Kimyada > <valid email address>

Droneesha> Thanks! You are a very valuable BombastGoodsAndServices customer, and certainly, I don’t want you to miss on what other customers have started to enjoy. I am sure you will be excited to hear more! For now, let me help you first. We can talk about the important stuff later, girl!

Kimyada > i just want to know why my bill is doubled.

Droneesha> I SAID I have your account pulled up, Please just give me a damn minute or two to review this for you. Damn.

Kimyada > to day is officially a month. why is my bill due on the 29th

Droneesha> I do understand Kimyada, since you are a new customer, you may not know how things are going to be now. Sit down. I would like to set an expectation, that Bombast bills you a month in advance, then a month in, then once a month on the second and fourth week., This will look like you are billed twice in your first cycle. Or three.

Kimyada > wtf?

Droneesha> Since Bombast bills you a month in advance, your first bill comes 2 weeks after your service is installed and your second bill comes 2 weeks after the first statement is generated. Then each additional month or weekly depending on your purchase history in toto. Then whenever.

Kimyada > idgi

Droneesha> With this, it will look like you are getting billed twice for your first month. I doubt math is your strong suit. You just don’t seem like the type. Moving forward, your second bill will be the basis for your regular billing cycle and your due date as well. Then the one after that.

Kimyada > um.. so my bill is due on the 29th going forward?

Droneesha> Yes, that is correct. As far as that goes.

Kimyada > y was this not explained before hand?

Droneesha> First bill covers 09/08-10/07 and the second one 10/08-11/07 then the other.

Kimyada > so what happens now that i’m late? i keep gettin notifications that i’m past due. They made some sort of threatening statement to a coworker. She peed her drawers.

Droneesha> As I am seeing here, your first bill is already past due. But don’t you worry, as long as you are able to settle the first bill including the 75% late penalty and a gratuity of not less than 150% of the total fee before the 23rd, you won’t experience any service interruption. I highly advise that you follow up on the payment on the current bill as well after to make sure that you account is current. We wouldn’t want you to suffer any *SERVICE INTERRUPTIONS THAT MIGHT DAMAGE YOUR CREDIT HISTORY FOREVER* would we? Now let me tell you about these other exciting purchasing opportunities!

Kimyada > so just to be clear: bill is due the 29th of every month, $161 is due b4 the 23rd, new bill of $101 is due the 29th. except this month.

Droneesha> That is all correct Kimyada. You may be slightly brighter than you look. To be exact, the first bill was already due last 10/06. The 23rd is the date scheduled for service interruptions, That is why I highly advise that the past due is settled before the said date. I do not enjoy repeating myself, Kimyada. I. Do. Not. Now that we’ve had this conversation, a triplicate bill will be issued due immediately. You will pay this bill, whatever the amount may in fact be. Our time is important- we will not have this conversation with you a second time. You should really have read your contract. It’s all listed in subparagraphs E through L on pages 96 to 116-

Kimyada > got it. you’re fucking crazy. can you email me this transcript

Droneesha> I am sorry, we have no access on sending emails on our end- that would seem too much like customer service.  No worries though, there is an option after you have closed the chat to save the chat transcript as a file. It will cost you. It will cost you alot. More than you can even dream.

Kimyada > thank you for nothing.

Droneesha> You are most welcome Kimyada!

Kimyada > i’m going to move to a cave off the grid and live off the land

Droneesha> May I please know if that is all the information you needed today? because we really would rather get back to selling you more shit you don’t need. It’s on sale.

Kimyada > yes. done. out. you are awesome. i just needed one more straw. that camel back is broke as fuck

Droneesha> Perfect! I am glad I was able to fully assist you with what you needed today. Your satisfaction is my priority second only to everything else on the entire prime material plane. Is there anything else I can assist you with? I am MORE than glad to help you out further. I’ll just need your credit information. Come to mama.

Kimyada > other than you having a great day, that’s it.

Droneesha> By the way, I was checking on your account earlier, and I noticed that you only have Internet service with us. Have you considered the benefits of 90s style cable television, in your own home, today in 2015?

Kimyada > why would i want that

Droneesha> Terrific! Or whatever. I’ll just make that charge. By the way, I would really appreciate it if you would answer our short survey to provide us feedback on how I assisted you. May I please know if this will be okay?

Kimyada > ok. i mean at this point it’s like i’m inna movie or somethin anyway

Droneesha> I really appreciate it thanks! you can do this by simply pressing the EXIT CHAT button located at the top right of the chat screen and click on the TAKE OUR SURVEY button. Enter the 3 digit code from the back of your Amerikan Express card ending in last four *7723*

Kimyada > ok

Droneesha> I see here that we have a promotion for the Digital Preferred double play triple pay package which has DOZEN of channel and EXTREME! 10 mbps InternetInternetInternet.. This promotion is a very popular promotion in your area that most of our better sort of customers are currently enjoying. You should be doing your best to at least keep up appearances, Kimyada. This is for only $130/month before taxes and equipment rentals. And $80 weekly in fees. Plus random fines to be revealed at our discretion. How does that sound?

Kimyada > no thank you

Droneesha> I understand your hesitation in taking immediate and frenzied advantage of this offer. That actually kinda turns me on. You a freak girl?  If you don’t mind, may I please know the reason why you would like to pass up on this fantastic once in a lifetime limited offer? After all the time I have put into this relationship? I have sweated for you.. for us! But you just turn your back on it. Like i’m nothing to you. Stone. Cold.

Kimyada > i budgeted on $101 per month. that extra $31 is not feesable.

Droneesha> Oh I see! Though, may I please know if you are interested in adding basic cable, at least. You want to get local news from places like milwaukee and hoof rot arkansas, complete with commercials don’t you? I mean people that can’t even afford basic cable are the lowest kind of trash. I know you’re not like them. I feel that I have known you forever.  I can check for other promotions that are within your budget range if you want to cheap out like that though. I mean like, people have different priorities I guess. But if you were willing to spend $364 a month I could present you with MUCH better options for internet. This shit would make your fucking eyes water and your girlie parts tingle. The best plans are kept secret. Wed have to be convinced to share the goods. Sweet sweet convincing, girl.

Kimyada > ugh no thank you

Droneesha> Alright! No worries. Fine. WTF. Whatever.  If ever you change your mind, You can always contact us back or check promotions online at our website AIsales@bombastcablesrevices.com

Kimyada> i can go now? i’m all outta money

Droneesha> With that being said, and not that i care, is there anything else I can help you with?

Kimyada > nope. but thank you again. i needed this push over the edge. i have officially lost my mind.

Droneesha> You know you felt somethin girl. Call me.

…..

Kimyada > ok. fine.

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